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As can be expected of such a grand event, the dignitaries were served with the finest silverware and the rarest of antique porcelain crockery.

Goh Chok Tong looked at the exquisite teacup and saucer and decided that he would keep the saucer as a souvenir of the occasion. When he thought nobody was watching, he nonchalantly slipped the saucer into his coat pocket.

Lee Kuan Yew, who was on the other side of the room, saw Goh Chok Tong and his hijacking of the antique saucer. He was fuming. How dare Goh Chok Tong do that! What will happen if somebody else had seen him ? It would be most humiliating if he was stopped and searched! However, nothing happened and Goh Chok Tong was able to mingle with the crowd again. This started Lee Kuan Yew thinking. Anything Goh Chok Tong can do, I can do better. Besides, the antique saucer was very nice and he wanted one as a souvenir too. So how could he just stand idly by and not do anything. Lee Kuan Yew decided that he would out-do Goh Chok Tong. He was going to souvenir both the cup and the saucer.

When he thought that nobody was looking, he quietly slipped the saucer into his coat pocket. Then just as he was about to slip the cup in, Jiang Zemin walked up to him and angrily wagged his finger at Lee Kuan Yew. Jiang Zemin was furious ! How dare you steal our country's treasures ?

Who do you think you are ? Soon a crowd gathered. Goh Chok Tong on noticing the commotion also walked over to see what was happening. Lee Kuan Yew was very cool. He was laughing. President Jiang, he said. I'm glad you saw what happened. I was merely performing a magic trick for you and your honoured guests.  You see, the trick is like this. I put the saucer into my coat pocket. But the saucer will appear out from Goh
Chok Tong's coat pocket.

Isn't that right, Goh Chok Tong?  Goh Chok Tong sheepishly pulled the saucer out of his coat pocket to the applause of the crowd. Gone was his souvenir.

The canny Lee Kuan Yew had outsmarted him again.

A very 'straight and honest' girl was going to Kuala Lumpur. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.

Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. "You must find a man who is 'faithful', not a 'spendthrift' and must be a virgin'."

With these advice from her mother, the girl went to town. After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around."

"Isn't that being faithful?".

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night in a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only."

"Isn't he not a spendthrift guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin."

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" the mother asked with trepidation.

"MMM...his 'that one' is still new......wrapped up in plastic, mum!"

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the Assembly line for the automobile... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for  the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Subject: English lesson

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an    animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at  first,  but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the  following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come  once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

"You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder.

I would  be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.
The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says "Father remember psalm 129".
The priest apologises profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.
The Nun once again says "Father remember psalm 129".
Once again the priest apologises "Sorry sister but you know the flesh is
weak".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way.

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said:

"GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

MORAL OF THE STORY IN YOUR JOB YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.

Ah beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah beng: "THANK YOU," AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

---------------------------------------------------------

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah beng's left tells the bartender,
JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."

The bartender approaches Ah beng and asks,
"AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

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After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,Ah
beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL".

Ah beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS.".
---------------------------------------------------------

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.
During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the
letter 'G'."

The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!".
Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"

Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"

Host : "Quiet please."

Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying,
"C'mon man, you think I need their help?
I got more oliginal answer: Gu ni !"
(cow milk in hokkien)

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Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered
some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command.

After some tries. Soon after, he become very irritated and called the
computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help...
but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me....
 

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In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"

Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother.
Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)"
The teacher fainted.

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Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the
phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
So kena lor!"

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But.. what happened to the other ear?"

"That stoopid dumbo called back!"

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Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 was not allowed.

A Television Program Organizer (Lady) went to make an Interview with  a  farmer seeking the main reason that caused Cow Madness. (Mad Cow disease)

The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to  collect information about the reason that causes Cow Madness. Do you have any idea what might be the reason??  The Farmer, stared at the lady and said, "Do you know that the Bull fucks the cow once a year?"

The Lady getting embarassed: "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomena and and Cow Madness?"

The Farmer : Well Ma'am, do you know that we milk the Cow FOUR times a day!!!
The Lady : Sir this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point!

The Farmer : I am getting to the point Mam. Just imagine, if I am playing with your Tits FOUR TIMES A DAY and FUCKING YOU ONLY ONCE A YEAR,  won't  you  get Mad??

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the
accidents that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards

him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder

and saw the grizzly was closing.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He
looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he

tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him
with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant
the atheist cried: "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of

me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could

make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together
and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to
receive, I am truly thankful."

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.
It was a moment for which her parents had carefully
 prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the
encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they
thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection,
love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled
contentedly.
"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.
"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she
 came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."